This is a post I never published on September 19, 2010 at the start of graduate school, enjoy.
I have reached a tipping point of sanity. I am on the complex drug known only as a combination of neurotransmitters. My body is anticipating movement and exploration, while my mind lingers in stagnation and dread. The dread coming from assignments which are due in coming days and stagnation from a lack of outer world influence. I am feeling like a hermit might feel on tougher days. I am not wanting or reflecting self pity. I think my state is interesting, novel, and never before have I had such strong feelings of boredom. Always stretched thin my previous boredom used to be, now it is an over-sized lead weight on the fishing line of happiness. Furthermore, happiness, a feeling I have not experienced for quite some time. I have to write things out to feel at ease. This could be flawed, but these are the thoughts that roam my head. What would fix this my family, friends, and therapists will ask. What needs to be fixed I reply? but that would assume I want to live a life forever in sorrow and angst? Nay! I exercise the body, I exercise the mind, I do not put forth the effort I should or rather I do not put forth the effort I am able to put forth. What is life if only to be median. I know sharing may be the point. I have put this on myself. Ignoring invites to go places in an attempt to set aside time for catching up in classes, in decisions and in life. I don't think I can ever catch up with everything that I long to do and want to accomplish.
What is the border between personal and public? When should it stop. This time is priceless. How can I use it to it's fullest value?
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