Thoughts about graduate studies

This is a post I never published on September 19, 2010 at the start of graduate school, enjoy.

I have reached a tipping point of sanity. I am on the complex drug known only as a combination of neurotransmitters. My body is anticipating movement and exploration, while my mind lingers in stagnation and dread. The dread coming from assignments which are due in coming days and stagnation from a lack of outer world influence. I am feeling like a hermit might feel on tougher days. I am not wanting or reflecting self pity. I think my state is interesting, novel, and never before have I had such strong feelings of boredom. Always stretched thin my previous boredom used to be, now it is an over-sized lead weight on the fishing line of happiness. Furthermore, happiness, a feeling I have not experienced for quite some time. I have to write things out to feel at ease. This could be flawed, but these are the thoughts that roam my head. What would fix this my family, friends, and therapists will ask. What needs to be fixed I reply? but that would assume I want to live a life forever in sorrow and angst? Nay! I exercise the body, I exercise the mind, I do not put forth the effort I should or rather I do not put forth the effort I am able to put forth. What is life if only to be median. I know sharing may be the point. I have put this on myself. Ignoring invites to go places in an attempt to set aside time for catching up in classes, in decisions and in life. I don't think I can ever catch up with everything that I long to do and want to accomplish.
What is the border between personal and public? When should it stop. This time is priceless. How can I use it to it's fullest value?

Ph.D.s come from trees, trees do not come from Ph.D.s.

There has been a good amount time since I last wrote anything that wasn't related to work. Although, it seems anything worth doing requires at least some work. Quality suffers if the work input is low, and quantity suffers if the work input is either A, quickly exhausted, or B never put in to begin with.

Reaching a point where feelings of relaxation and settling in are common and present in copious amounts. Remaining poised and active is a completable goal that will require hardship, perseverance, tenacity, letting-go of habits, detaching from norms, giving to others, gratitude, appreciation, friendship and family support, and work, lots of hard work, some easy work, and a lot of busy work. Motivations are social, personal, physical, emotional, and spiritual blessings involving community support with emphasis on community outreach. Although both are viewed as measures of personal success, the latter also seems to be lacking and deficient resulting in poverty, lavishness, addiction, and crime. Preachy, melodramatic, demanding, passive-aggressive, and lazy. I am none of these things alone. Only at times. Being succinct and sequential is what is taught in school, but learned only by the wise. Ph.D.s come from trees, trees do not come from Ph.D.s. Our generation is somewhat backwards in our thinking. We have too much means and not enough thinking. In the 1920's quantum physics was in it's prime and Maxwell, Einstein, Heisenberg, Pauli, Planck, etc had the wits and mathematical foundation for understanding matter at a level much smaller and much larger than our own existence. Where fractions of a fraction of a fraction of an atomic nucleus interacts with itself like flint and stone, while we are larger our existence is not any greater. It is our timescale which deludes us. Like our concept of the united states as a democracy, we are easily deluded, we are indeed a public represented (republic) by a smaller group of well-paid, popular, and, for the most part, well-liked public (otherwise we wouldn't have voted them into office). How can we expect then our nation of all the unemployed, impoverished, employed and not well-liked people to be accurately represented? Vote them in to office!
Some may say, but they may want to blow up people and cause havoc, well then that opinion should be recognized and not ignored, for it will express itself in ways much more developed without responsible rebuke. Its only when you have forgotten the goal that you can accomplish it. Quotes that sound meaning.

Activity Heals

05/09/2011

Too inactive. The body finally yelled at me last night saying that I need to get off the ass and do something active. Instead I slept, but this morning there were some major problems. Sickly feelings commenced: stuffed sinuses, post nasal mucus drainage, headache, low energy. The physique I worked hard to maintain melted away in a month of physical inactivity. The difference between required exercise, which I get 4 miles of every day to and from work, and thoughtful exercise, which I haven’t had in a month, is healing power.

I came home from work early to get some rest. I lay down to sleep while the sun was shining and got a couple hours of sleep. I woke up with a headache and more congestion. The body lacked pizzazz. Rest was not all that is needed to kill this virus. After some push-ups and some sit-ups I felt better instantly, but I need more. Running outside, the sun was incredibly bright and I couldn’t help but squint painfully while striding towards sunshine and the local pond. The thoughts are muddled. The head pounding and the body a hundred pounds heavier than usual. I wasn’t sure running was the right thing to do, but it was harder than I imagined and it can’t hurt to get exercise and sunshine vitamin D. I gave up running after 10 minutes and began to walk; the mind too reluctant to continue coping with exhaustion. I walked for a while and observed people running, biking, and walking their dogs. I thought to myself, how do they already know how to stay healthy and energetic? how could I forget to exercise physically? Well, by not exercising I forgot how. I had a routine down during the less stressful parts of my first-year of graduate school, but how could I have neglected such an important thing: keeping the body alive!

Memories from high school gym class came into mind as I forced myself to run again. This jog would end again in another 10 minutes from deliberate resting. At this point, allegies kicked in as I deeply inhaled the pollen-filled air through the nose and exhaled through the mouth.  I started to sneeze and by sneezing the sinus developed a less viscous form of mucous which I began to spit out regularly.  The drinking fountain called my attention when I remembered what a friend said about drinking lots of water when getting over illness. I drank until I felt full of water, which was “a lot of water”.  I am reminded of a text-based online computer game where the basics of regenerating hitpoints, or life strength, involve drinking water until completely full.

The allergies were good; the body’s immune system was turning on like an engine which hadn’t been started in a month. I sputtered out old and caked-on oil lining the cylinder walls of the vibration-circulated lymphatic system. The increased heat generated from running broke less the solidified material lining the vascular, hepatic, and nephritic systems. It was impossible to tell any differences between the body and an engine at this point. Things were better, but the fruits of labor would come half an hour later when resting; ticking away on my laptop like hot exhaust components cooling on an warm engine.

I can’t help but comment on the running dialogue of the mind, seeing as how ridiculously awesome it can be. Observation: A girl running with her dog. She approaches and I look down out of reverence as she passes.  Just before she passes I see her dog staring at me. The dog was says, “don’t look at my girlfriend.” This is common especially with men. The man is usually telling me through his expression that I shouldn’t be looking at “his” girl. In fact, almost every day I have this bizarre encounter.  I do have an intense gaze. I look at things superficially, which I don’t like, but I force myself to do out of respect for people’s comfort.  Instead, absorbing and analyzing things, peoples, and environments interests me. There is nothing wrong with checking out the opposite sex and I wish I was more comfortable about it. We should overstep boundaries but being alert and healthy while doing so is key. Help me out here.